Not a Date
by Enide Dear
Summary: Reno an Cait shares a night on the town. It is not a date, damn it!


Title: The Date  
Author: Enide Dear  
Rating:insane  
Pairing: TsengxReeve, RenoxCait Sith. Yeah, you read it right….  
A/N: Alright, now even I fear for my sanity

"You are going to make me go on a date with a *cat*?!" Reno's eyes bulged. "Look, *sir*." He added testily. "I thought I knew what it meant to be a Turk when I signed the damn papers years ago, but this is getting fucking *ridiculous*!"

"It's not a date, Reno. It's a normal body guard mission." Tseng said with that serene face that those few who knew him realized meant he was trying not to laugh his ass off. Unfortunately, Reno was one of those who knew him.

"The client doesn't even have a body, damn it!"

"Of course it does. Just not…the normal kind." Tseng composed himself. "I am serious about this, Reno. I'm taking Reeve out tonight and the only way I can get him to relax is if he knows Cait is not all alone and bored."

"So take the damn robot with you." Reno scowled.

"That is not an option. I'm not having Cait around for…after dinner desserts." Tseng said delicately.

"Aw, what's wrong, sir?" Reno mocked nastily. "Can't perform with an audience?"

"Never you mind. Cait will be coming over to your place around 7. You just need to entertain him for a few hours."

"Fine."Reno sighed and gave in. "But I'm telling you, this is where I draw the fucking line. If you ever need a date for Nanaki, don't come running to me. I ain't a *bitch*, yo."

"And don't do anything untoward to the poor thing, you hear me?" Tseng frowned.

"It's a Gods-damned doll, sir!" Reno made a gag face. "Give me some bloody credit!"

"Not until you've earned. Alright, dismissed."

Relieved, Tseng watched Reno leave. Now he didn't have to worry about Cait and, almost as important, he didn't have to worry about Reno. *Two Tonberries with one stone.*

At exactly 7, the doorbell rang. Reno sighed and opened, glaring down at the stuffed cat outside, the white and grey robot waving cheerfully up at him, crown leaning smartly on its head and the half-cloak swaying behind it.

*A date with a plushie. I'll be screwing moogles next.*

"Hi, Mr. Reno." Cait smiled. Reno rubbed his temples.

"Just Reno." He mumbled and grabbed his jacket. "And I ain't staying in here all night cooped up with a doll. I need a drink. Come along."

"A drink? That sounds like fun! Are we getting lemonade? Or, or, or smoothies, yay, I love smoothies! Or maybe coffee? I'm not supposed to drink coffee, it makes me hyper, but sometimes I drink it anyway, like last week, and the effect is like…" It kept rambling with its idiotic accent, bouncing around Reno who could just groan.*This is going to do hell on my reputation!*

Cait was enthralled, but slightly nervous, when Reno led him deeper into the slums. The redhead seemed oblivious to the run-down area and the dirty people throwing hungry glances after them, or maybe he was just so used to it that he didn't care, but Cait kept close to his leg. Reno threw a few dirty glances at him as if he wanted to kick him into the nearest garbage heap, but as he didn't actually say anything, Cait didn't move away. He was used to danger, of course, and he'd been in the slums a number of times, but always in the company of Avalanche.

Reno chose a bar seemingly at random and held the door open.

"Get in." He pushed the reluctant Cait over the doorstep with his boot. "I ain't got all day. I'm still far too sober to deal with this."

Several pairs of eyes swung at the odd couple as they moved towards the bar, Reno twirling his EMR and throwing a few threatening glances himself. Had it been Reeve, Cait would have already climbed up his leg and perched safely on his shoulder, but he didn't dare with Reno. Something about the man scared him. He didn't even have the refined patina that Tseng had, even though that patina, as Cait understood it, was only superficial. Still it was there, and it meant the Head of Turks showed patience to a certain extent. Reno most likely didn't.

Cait yelped as strong hands grabbed him and lifted him up, but it was just Reno who planted him on the bar desk, sliding up on a bar stool next to him. The bartender gave them both a quizzical look and grinned.

"Well, I've seen guys bring in pussy here before, but…"

"Don't." Reno's voice was testy and very, very threatening. "No Gods-damned jokes alright, or I'll shove this here EMR straight up your ass, yo. Now give me a glass and keep the whiskey coming."

The place looked down and dirty, the people in here not the crowd that Cait was used to at all. A bit frightened he leaned over to whisper in Reno's ear:

"Do you know these people?"

"No. That's the entire point." Reno frowned at him. "No one here I know."

"Reeve said you'd get me dinner…" Cait tried nervously; he wasn't sure what scared him most, this place or his so called protector.

"Here," Reno shoved over a bowl of peanuts. "Eat up."

Slightly fascinated Cait watched the Turk down his first glass of whiskey in one gulp; apart from a few beers or perhaps a glass of wine, Reeve didn't drink much. Reno saw his look.

"What, you want some? This ain't for kittens."

"Can I try?" Stung by the kitten comment, Cait reached for the glass and smirking Reno gave it to him.

The taste was strong and firey, but the liquid had a strange effect on Cait's magic circuits. Suddenly thinking wasn't very easy.

"Aw, look at that, someone brought a toy!" A pair of grubby hands reached for him and his reflexes were far too slow – the alcohol must have damaged something inside him! Cait tried to swat at the stranger to no effect, suddenly terrified.

The stranger screamed, clutching his hand and let go of Cait who tumbled over the bardesk almost down into Reno's lap; the Turk was waving his EMR, glaring at the stranger.

"No one touches the cat, got it?"

The stranger scowled at him but withdrew, apparently unwilling to challenge the bad-tempered Turk.

"You saved me!" Cait tried to throw his arms around Reno, but the Turk hissed an almost feline warning at him.

"No one touches me either, kitty." He warned and Cait withdrew a bit, but his pride was stung.

"I'm not just a cat, you know." He slurred, reaching for the glass again. The taste really grew on him. "I'm a f'rtune teller!"

"Yeah, and what you gonna tell me, yo?" Reno wrestled the glass from him, ignoring the scratches he got. "I'm gonna meet a tall dark stranger?"

"Not a stranger. Not a stranger." It was amazing how good the whiskey made him feel, really, he felt great! "But tall and dark!"

Reno rolled his eyes.

"Oh, you mean Rude." Despite himself he snickered. "Some fortune teller you are. Just sit back and shut up alright? The show's about to start."

"Show? Yay!"

Most of the lights went out in the room and three spotlights lit on the stage at the center of the room. Cait's jaw dropped as a man appeared, flanked by two women, none of them wearing much at all. Slowly and sensuously the three started to move around the poles, rubbing and undulating against them, up and down, shedding whatever few pieces of clothes they had on to the rhythm of pounding music.

"That," Cait said breathlessly, his eyes fixed on the middle pole where the lithe man, now glistering with sweat, had taken of more or less all his clothes, "that is the *biggest* one I've ever seen!"

Reno quirked an eyebrow at the magic-robotic cat and then glanced back at the stage where the stripper were doing things with his thong.

"It ain't *that* big," he frowned and added with a smirk. "I've got a bigger one at home. But," he added quickly as Cait's awed face turned towards him, "you sure as Hell can't play with it, get it? I ain't into that sort of thing."

Cait pouted but nodded.

"Maybe I can ask Reeve for one."

That almost made Reno choke on his drink but he nodded and an evil thought entered his mind.

"Ask Tseng for one, yo. I'd bet he'd love that."

A few days later, Reno was mulling confused over his paycheck. Not that he wasn't used to Tseng withdrawing money from it to pay for various injuries, hurts or blown up sections of ShinRa, but this was the first time the wutai man had *added* money to Reno's check.

Reno scratched his head, but curiosity won out.

"Why, boss?"

Tseng came as close to smiling as he ever did.

"Because somehow I just know you are the reason why Reeve's livingroom now have a strip pole in its center - even if Cait tries to use it as a scratch pole."


End file.
